Harry Potter visits Hogwarts again
by whimperman
Summary: Crackfic . Another year at the school. What could possibly be different in this cliched, jaded, world?


This is a Crackfic.

Legal bullshit

* * *

Harry... Harry  
Harry Potter was just minding his own business. Nothing special as usual. But as he minded the petunias in the horse's garden he heard a whisper.  
Harry...  
"For fuck's sake!" shouted Harry. "Can't I get some fucking peace a quiet for some fucking five minutes without some asshole trying to kill me?"  
Harry shouted this so loudly that the neighboring neighbours all turned.  
"YES,YOU HEARD ME YOU LOT OF NOSEY FUCKERS! I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF YOU ARE OFFENDED!"  
"I AM HARRY BLOODY POTTE-"  
But Harry was blinded by an immense pain as a packet o' dynamite was chucked from the sidestreet by a Severus Snape.

Several hours later Harry woke up  
"What happened?"  
"Oh!" said Dumbledore. "Harry you cannot longer stay with the Dursley's"  
Yes, thought Harry.  
"Somehow Voldermort figured out a way to penetrate the blood wards that surround your house. Quite the puzzle."

Voldemort? thought Harry. But I thought he was in that creepy house with Wormtail.

"Sod it off Dumbles you are just confusing the boy." A new interloper said, some Hogwarts student.

"Percy?" asked Harry, only now realizing that he couldn't actually see anything.

"Yes. And as to why you can't see anything. Well..."

"Oh My God! It was the explosion, wasn't it?"

"Well the expllosion certainly did a number in your face mate," said Ron.

"Yeah, I mean Goyle would look good stading next to you," said a twin, doesn't matter which one. The twins had foregone their individuality in a satanic ritual of fertility long ago...

"Look mate this is going to sound dumb but... By edict of the prime minister we all have had to replace our eyes with those Moody googly eyes..."

"What!?," shouted Hermione.

"Yeah, too sad. You were quite the looker" said Bill. "But with those eyes even a Veela would look ugly..."

At that moment his new eyes readjusted and he could see that only him had those horrendous googly Alastor Moody eyes on his face.

Somehow his eyes could see his own face.

And through walls.

Well, thought Harry at least that's something. I mean I look like the topological map of Utah, referencing Deadpool.

Even Deadpool isn't this ugly.

"So as I was saying," continued Percy, "Voldemort let his pride aside and for once acted intelligentely."

"Right before Snape betrayed us he told us that the Dark Lord had decided to announce himself to his followers. After that he decided to give them some asinine plan to abduct you at the end of Triwizard Tournament."

"Somehow Voldemort figured out a way to bring himself back from the death and had decided to wait a whole year."

"But he changed his mind and used the blood of some passerby instead."

"After that we can only conclude that he ordered Snape to kill you."

"He probably couldn't use magical methods due to your mother's ritual blood magic. So he probably just ordered Snape to use muggle methods, given that he is a half-blood."

"So, and I pride myself in knowing quite a bit about muggle things..." puffed Percy and continued his rant.

"Well he probably just used some phone directory and some well-placed imperio's to locate you."

"And he then chucked a packet of 100 pounds of dynamite right across the street."

"Your mother's protection didn't actually protect you from physical harm or else it would have killed the Dursley's long ago."

"BUT." He said raising his finger. "It might have healed you enough to keep you alive."

"Too bad that the Order members that were watching died. There goes Tonks, Mundungus, Dedadulus, Vance..."

Harry took it all in. Somehow he wasn't upset at his uglification, as he din't care for his looks. And in all honesty he couldn't give a rat's ass about the deaths of some people that spied on him and therefore prolly knew about all the shit that Petunia made him do... and didn't do anything to help him...

Suddenly with a pop all the room's inhabitants adquired a new pair of Moody Eyes.

"This would be a good time to mention that my mom tried to wash your invisibility cloak and managed to wash its invisibility away."

"But don't worry mate, after all everyone in magical britain can see through your cloak anyways..." said Ron.

So Harry found himself in Gringotts. He needed to buy a new house now after all.

A goblin by the name of what translates in English as Cuntmaster, or in gobblydegook Rumpastrussfurskurlin (yeah let's just call him Cuntmaster) greeted him.

"Hi", he greeted. "You must be the Potter brat seeking to inherit Hogwarts, Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, Riddle, Hufflepuff, Potter, Malfoy Black, Longbottong and Lestrange fourtunes right?"

"Well let me tell you that after a magical test we found that you are part goblin, from your mother's side."

"So you can't own shit. You, Mister Potter are officially poor."

Harry was crestfallen. He really was goblin shit now.

"Dumbledore tried to keep you from performing a magical test as he knew that your mother was part goblin and he knew that gobling don't own shit."

"Really," questioned Harry. "She doesn't look-"

"Yeah, well you see if you think that your aunt Petunia was ugly you shouldd have seen what Lily looked like without that stupid glamour of hers..."

"We also found in our routine test that you have Herpes."

"Also Dumbledore placed a spell on you that drains Hogwarts students from their magic and soul and gives them to you."

"Ye are a squib Harry," said Cuntmaster in his best Hagrid impression.

"What! I came here expecting to be told that I was rich and that Dumbledore was sucking off my vital energies through some evil spell, not to hear some fucking bullshit!"

"WELL THAT'S THE TRUE AND TOUGH LUCK BITCH."

"Fortunately as a goblin you get to live in our of 2 by 2 rooms. 4 square feet of luxury all for you!"

"Comes with defecating hole and 30 napkins per month, to either wipe or clean your self!"

"Welcome to the goblin nation!"

And now Harry knew what misery was like. Yeesh, he thought, is this why Snape is such snivelly asshole? Fucking hell.

So the Hogwarts year progressed as usual. Some pedophile managed to get the DADA professorship and someone tried to murder Harry.

It was unusual in the sense that it was Draco Malfoy.

And that it was the beginning of the year in front of the Beauxbatons, Drumstrang and Hogwarts' students.

Fortunately Draco and all the magical female population became morbidly and hidelously fat over the summer, as a result of losing their beauty and the ensuing food comfort.

Included among those that gained weight was Draco.

Who only managed to rise the knife three inches before dying of a heart attack.

Fleur for her part was trying not to laugh to much, lest she also crocked from a heart atack.

"Ha." She said in that voice that only very fat french women have. "Ze boy couldn't manage a simple murder! We French are quite capable, specially us Veela."

She then proceeded to raise a knife some 4 inches, with visible exertion in her face, and then dropped making her obscene breast, bags that hanged and draped over her paunch like crushed puppys, on the ground.

The french cheered. They had shown the british something!

Ron on his part continued to eat. He was as thin as ever and could raise his knife well over his head thank you very much.

"So," said the legless, armless clump that was Harry, through a scarred line that passed four a mouth.

"I think even though I usually do not care for appearance..."

"The fact that the girls became so fucking fat fills me with the kind of happiness that I need. Schadenfruaden, and teh pressure of being attractive to catch a girlfriend... you know?"

"I mean you don't know how many times I tried to off myself this month guys." Harry clucked.

And he swinged his wooden limbs in demonstration.

Neville suddenly having acquired some confidence (Gee I wonder why?) said. "Yeah, It really eases the sting of using this moody-eyes."

"Can't believe that the real Moody became a Death Eater while the fake one murdered him in order to impersonate him."

"You know what I can't believe" said Seamus.

"I can't believe that even that happened in front of all of us in the great hall Dumbledore still insisted on keeping the guy as Defense professor."

Harry was not surprised. After all he had figured long ago Dumbledore either for a fool or a bastard long ago. He was probably testing him.

Maybe, he speculated, Dumbledore is a sadist. And he likes to hurt children.

Unbeknownst to Harry the house-elves were quite used to the many and varied abuses of Mister Dumbles, goat fucker extraordinaire.

At this point Dobby was working in the kitchen trying to cook what remained of Moody into a presentable meal.

"Nothing like Deady Eater to bake a cake!"

"Nothing like human meat to feed a student."

"'Cause as everyone knows the best ways to strengthen your magic is with..."

"Cannibalism!"

As the Sweeny Todesque scene unfolded and the elves finished their lugubrious chant a voice emerged.

"Guys its me Mione"

"Oh shit," said Dobby. "We have to hide the corpses!"

So Dobby stuffed away the captured Death Eaters into the closet.

"Guys I think I found a law that said that magical slavery is outlawed..."

"What's that?" asked Hermione.

The contents of the closet had spilled over, being so stuffed with human remains.

"Ahhh We have been discovered! We have been found out."

"What are we going to do!? Dumblydore is going to fire us."

"The girl. Seize her."

"We have to kill her."

"KILL, KILL, KILL."

The elves clustered around Hermione poiting their detestable fingers.

"You wounldn't want to eat me guys... I mean I weight something like 200 pound now but-"

At that moment the elves were stunned and obliviated by some Minerva McGonagall.

"Professor!"

"Relax Granger. The threat is gone."

"But, but..."

"It is usually so hard for muggle-raised students to adapt. But adapt they must to the practice of anthropofagous enhancement."

"Since time immemorial wizard have eaten fallen enemies."

"Thus the elves are told to keep this a secret from muggle-borns."

"I hope you can understand," threatened the professor.

Hermione at this point too distraught with the thought that her new-found flabbiness probably came from bits and pieces of defeated Death Eater only nodded.

"This world, this world," said Hermione.

"Is spinning out of control?" asked Harry.

"I considered escaping to muggle America but then realized that at least at Hogwarts I am not the only freak."

"So you know maybe we could create our own country," said Harry.

"Potter's shag and fun land."

"A land for the fugly fucks to hustle together. No one to judge you or criticize you! Just a country of friendly freaks that you happen to share a bed and fluids over."

At this point even Binns was paying attention.

"I would be king and you my rotund queen Hermione."

"Eh... I mean. Maybe?"

Yes! Soon, very very soon, though Harry rubbing his wooden hands.

"Soon I shall have many a slave!" At this everyone sweatdropped.

After History Class ended with a anti-monarchy rant by Professor Binss who happened to scold Harry for his dictatorial scheme Harry headed to the dorm rooms.

"Have you ever wondered why girls can come to the boy's dorms but not the other way around?" asked Dean.

"I heard that if you are one of those transgender folk you can get in to their rooms. But they make you take this potion that turns you into girl forever. And that it can't be undone." Neville opined.

"Well," said Ron chomping some turkey the elves got him. "There goes my plan to sneak in to the girl's room."

"Really Ron?" teased Flinn-Fletchy who somehow got into the Griffyndor rooms.

"I always heard that the Weasley Matriarch wanted another daughter..."

"And after that ritual that made your mother super fertile it certainly hasn't been for a lack of trying..."

So Molly Weasley knows how to summon creatures from the netherworld, wondered Harry.

After it was revealed that somehow all the Hufllepuffs were now to share a room with the Griffyndors everyone protested loudly.

"What happened to their room?" asked Ginny.

"It's being used to store some things..." evaded McGonagall. YUM!

"So now what?"

"Well you share a bed with one of your classmates..."

"And food too. Hogwarts is an expensive place to run and with the recent collapse of the wizard economy. Well..."

"So from now on we will have nice gentlemen..." She said pointing to some dude in the corner.

"Scentist, they are. They are like unspeakables but they do share their secrets and work in the muggle world."

"They have permission to take a few organs here or there."

"So if you wake up without a kidney you now know why."

That explained why Luna hadn't moved in a week. Someone probably took her brain.

"And no, Luna was always a drug junkie Mister Potter. She is just on the longest recorded high in history." McGonagall somehow guessed what he was thinking.

"What else?"

"Well now we are part of a reality show called "The Wizards""

"It's this thing that muggles watch in their boxes and it sends pictures all over the world."

"That'll be all."

At this point some Moody look-alike was following Harry in the winter. He somehow had smuggled Harry in to the first task.

Harry now faced a Hungarian Horntail.

Gee, trouble seems to find me. I am so surpised.

Well fuck it I can't get any uglier.

And so Harry proceeded to walk into the blazing inferno of the Horntail.

With some new respect for the suicidal boy the Horntail flew away, the fire blowing over the Hogwarts students.

Half of which suffered terrible burns.

Thus Harry completed his first task.

"Hey Harry have here some Gillyweed" said Neville.

"What's this bullshit for?"

"Eh? The weird stalker dude paid me to give 'em to you."

The weird stalker dude blushed at this point hiding behind a lamp, his wide posterior showing through.

"Look dude. Voldemort is like back already. You don't have to kidnap me, you know?"

"Nonsense!" shouted Stanley Stunpike or whater was his name.

"The Dark Lord shall reward me like no other! And I Stanly Srunkenpie shall finally get my renvenge!"

The Death Eater proceeded to sit with the other fifty Death Eater or so fulfilling their secret missions given by Voldemort.

Give recent budget cuts the Slytherin table was now susidized by the Malfoy Estate. So the Death Eater ate there.

"Mate," said the blubber-ball that was Goyle or perhaps Crabbe? "I just cannot honestly shag her. I tried and I can't"

"What?" shouted Bellatrix. "You fucked you supermodel wife for 20 years."

"20 years! She had to stand under your heavy and disgusting gut as you proceed to sweat like a pig through every fucking hole in you disgusting body, swaying rhythinmically under your porking form as it squished itself like a sausage being stuffed into a turkey..."

"Yeah," said Crabbe/Goyle with a smile in his face. "Those sex tapes surely made us Death Eater a buck."

"And now that she gains 80 pounds and looks like some whale with human legs..."

"And has cellulite and googly eyes, and drooping boobs and farts constantly in the dinner table. Well you get the idea..."

"You. Can't. Fuck. Her?!"

"Look it's not my fault that Apollonia Delacour isn't as beautiful as she used to be."

At this point every single jaw in the Hogwarts hall proceed to drop. Everyone knew that veelas like to keep their maiden names, but no one, absolutely no one suspected Crabble/Goyle being the brother of Fleur and Gabrielle.

"Holy Shit. That means that Goyle/Crabbe is a Veela," whispered Hermione.

And now that they had seen it they couldn't unsee it.

Add some pounds to Fleur and she, well female-Goyle/Crabbe wasn't a exageration.

"Merlins' poxy taint," shouted Bill Weasly who was unemployed and decided to freeload and break into Hogwarts.

"I wanted to marry that woman!"

At this Ron burst out laughing. He had decided long ago that he was going to marry some blind muggle girl.

Some reporters from the Daily Mail wre now in Hogwarts haranguing the students about magic and such.

"So you allow minors to have some lethal weapon?"

Asked some random reported from some American rag.

"Well yes. I mean how else are they going to learn how to control their magic." Dumbledore reasoned.

"Besides any adult wizard worth his salt can defend themself againt some squirtbag with a wand."

"And muggles, well fuck them," interjected Snape.

"Yeah fuck them," agreed Hagrid and Dumbledore.

For her part McGonagall was embarassed. Didn't they know to keep their dark desire shut? Stupid boys, she thought.

"Harry Potter?" asked some reporter to some random mutant House-Elf that only came during the night lest he scared the children.

"Ahem. He is Harry Potter," said the elf quite insulted that anyone would compare him to the disguting mostrousity that Harry had become.

Harry for his part tried to blush, if he could have blushed. He had lost that piece of skin on his cheeks long ago.

Now is the time, he thought.

"Are you here to ask me about the daily beating that uncle Vernon gave me? Or the secret pedophile ring that Dumbledore keeps in his office, or the basilisk-"

"Jesus Christ kid, if you know these things why didn't you go to the police?"

"Well 'cause magical britain is a broken broken place. Oh yes indeed."

"I see," said the reporter. "I actually I was here to ask about the time-turner you reportedly used last year..."

At this point Harry was gone, leaving some chunk of meat behind him.

"Oh my God. That kid left his nose!"

"I know what to do Hermione!"

"What?"

"I am going to the muggle police!"

"Now that the Dumbledore sold Hogwarts to Time-Warner the muggles know that magic is real!"

"I will tattle about it all and"

"Harry."

"Oh fuck don't tell me? They already know? Dumbledore escaped?"

"Well not really. He just kills any muggle cop that tries to arrest him."

"Crap," Now what?

"By the way that reality show had nudes and..."

"Mate why are we brewing this potion again?"

Currently Harry was using Gillyweed to give himself some fancy new gills.

"Cause," he said gulping down the boiling posion and losing half of his remeaning lips in the process.

"I am so ugly already that I don't care if I have gills"

"'Sides Mermaids fancy uglinnes."

"So maybe I can just... you know tie the not with one in the upcoming task-"

"Oh fuck. He is choking!"

And now this! thought Harry. Now Harry had to wear some ridiculous helmet round his head to keep from drowning.

Voldemort is prettier than me, he lamented.

Really no way that life could get worse he bubbled, instead of sighing in Defense Class.

Currently some child torturer, Carrow, was being arrested by the muggle police. Somehow with the help of the scientists they had come up with some anti-magic shields and had disarmed Carrow.

"For being suspicious of permanent bodily disfigurement and child abuse you are hereby..."

The cop droned on as another memeber of the 500 hundred of the Hogwarts faculty was being arrested. At this point Harry wondered why Hogwarts kept so many convicted prisoners as professors.

I mean honestly!

"Kid!"

"Eh" replied Harry.

"Did he do that to you?"

"No that was just the dragon and Snape..."

"And well Flinn-Fleetchy bites things during his sleep so he has been chewing parts of me in the bed while my felsh just flakes off... all around..."

Fuck, the reporter was right this kid need a hospital asap.

So the men tried unsuccesfully to arrest Snape while Harry was taken to a muggle Hospital.

Harry saw as he was being carried away some tank aiming for Dumbles' office.

And now the American Military is at war with Dumbles, just great rejoiced Harry.

And so using all that new learned magic that now, thanks to those scientist at Hogwarts that had somehow discovered how to do magic despite being muggles, Harry was healed by the muggles to the point that he looked like he used to look at the beginning of book four.

Alas they couldn't remove the spell that teleported Harry away and back to Hogwarts.

Probably Dumbledore's fault, thought Harry quite rightly

Back at Hogwarts Dumbledore had survived using his brother Aberforth as a decoy.

Hogwarts was in lockdown and floating.

"As I am sure you know," Dumbles adressed the Hogwarts population that now cosisted mostly of convicts, pedophiles and/or werewolves.

"the muggles somehow found Hogwarts despite it being unplottable and tried to forcefully remove me."

"They lobed some "shell" at me office, perhaps justifying the collataral damage, as I always do, with tha fact that they consider me more dangerous and evil that Bin Laden."

"But rest assured," he said adressing the Great Hall.

"We are now quite safe 500 feet above the Pacific Ocean and invisible."

And thus Harry quite now the sexy beast that he was, compared to all the googly eyed males at least, proceeded to his 20th class this day.

After all Hogwarts couldn't justify the extra cost of 500 teachers if they didn't teach anything, right?

And thus the quite unkempt Hogwarts that due to budget cuts was constantly falling apart, pulling away students in a 5000 feet drop to a blubbery death, lost one more tower to the sea.

Fortunately Dumbledore had requested Snape's help and had tied back the missing towers with some crazy glue and mache paper.

Well, thought Harry the second task comes.

And somehow I don't care, honestly.

Harry swam, recovered Ron from the watery grave he was currently in and...

Well when he emerged the remembered that he had forgotten something.

"Shit the chubby brother of Fleur!"

Fleur flung some rock at Harry's head

"She was my sister! Asshole!" At this point the girls were at that point of fatness that just a haircut could determine whether or not you thought that she was a girl or boy, so Fleur was really not the best example.

It was a vicious cycle of eating and feeling bad for eating.

And thus the engorged body of Fleur Crabbe/Goyle floated back up...

The rest of the year was a wash. Harry was handsome again and was planning on using the muggles to kill Dumbledore and Voldemort and escape to America or someplace safe.

Currently the muggles were trying desperately to find all the Horcruxes trcking them with some new fancy satellites capable of detecting magic, and thus til they found Ravenclaw's Diadem, which was at Hogwarts, they were somewhat busy.

"The third task!" announced Dumbledore, the benches protesting under weight of all the heavy students.

"Your chance for glory is here! Your chance to set yourself apart."

"Who will make it back?"

Rotting bastard wants to kill one of us! thought Harry.

Harry was before the maze. Roughly the size of some middle-sized mansion he just proceeded to wander aimlessly.

At some point, he muttered. At some point one of the 490 Death Eater currently teaching at Hogwarts will try to-

The Earth cracked apart as some missile the size of house struck right in Dumbledore face.

None of the students died, as ironically Dumbledore sat far away from the faculty for his own safety, fearing the Death Eaters in the school would mob him.

Suddenly a team of navy seals appeared out of nowhere and started shooting the Death Eaters left and right.

Oh Yes! thought Harry.

"Now's the time" he said, casting som Avada Kedavras at some unsupecting Snape and Goyle's and Fleur?

Guess she became evil? He wondered.

As the glue and and tape that held Hogwarts together staredt to crack apart hundreds of students jumped into Hueys flying over the area.

They are going to evacuate!

And there he was Voldemort had somehow gotten himslef hired as the new Defense professor. And nobody noticed cause he was wearing a Grouch Marx disguise!

He cast away his disguise, shocking the remaining faculty into silence.

"Potter," said Harry.

Voldemort was holding some female student at wand point.

"Face me or your friend Hermione dies!"

"That's not Hermione!"

"It is. Difficult to tell under all this fat but your friend-"

"That's Hermione!" Harry pointed to Ginny.

Meanwhile Hermione who was at the mercy of Vodemort said.

"I am Ginny you idiot."

It really had become difficult to tell them apart. Even Hermione wasn't sure who she was.

"I don't care you lardball. You might as well just die from you own weight crushing your mudblood windpipe. So SHUT IT."

"I am here!" said Ron who somehow despite not being over 400 pounds had confused himself with Harry.

At this point Harry was dueling Voldemort using his mighty fourth year spells.

"Rictusempra" And Voldemort tickled, a little.

"Expellarmus!" But the wily Voldermort had taped his wand to his hand!

No! What am I going to do the only other defense spell that I know are Protego, Protego Maxima, Salia Hexia, Stupefy and Tarantallegra.

Meanwhile Voldemort was asking himself the same question. Potter was immune to his Avada Kedavra's, satanic blood ritual that protected him and all.

The only other spells that he knew was the organ destruying curse and the bone-crusing one.

For fuck's sake are we wizards really that dense?

Voldemort was having an existential crisis as the two duelers stood there doing nothing.

One reading a book on defense. The other wondering if he had underestimated the muggles.

And Voldemort said.

"Wait! I Lord Voldemort know what to do."

"Sectusempra."

Alas Harry moved while Voldemort was pointing and ranting about what he was going to do.

So Harry grabbed one gun from a nearby dying Marine and shot Voldemrort in the head.

Prophecy fulfilled, he thought quite smugly.

At the end of the year 90% of the female wizard population died from obesity and heart disease.

Hermione continued to think that she was Ginny for the rest of her life.

Ron and Ginny decided that both of them could be Hermione.

The 490 faculty Death Eaters and Hagrid were either arrested or killed as they were feeding students to Aragog the evil spider. "He's harmless," Hagrid said.

The House-Elves got plastic surgery, became insufferable narcissists and moved into a forest from Tolkien.

Harry married his Aunt Marge (and Ripper too).

All that's well end Well.

Finis.

Oh also, Hogwarts was nuked!

Finis.


End file.
